40 Days and 40 nights

I've been trying to figure out how I got where I am today and a couple of things kept cropping up in the back of my mind. Firstly, "where" am I? and have I actually "gotten" anywhere? Secondly Its hard to do because if I try I just get the feeling that I've been sleepwalking and suddenly turned around to find that I was 40. The in between seems at times like 40 seconds and others like 40 lifetimes.

I graduated from UWN in 1992 (or it might be 1991 - I can't even remember) and found myself completely at a loss. Hypercard and multimedia had given me the glimmer of hope of a career but there was no such thing really as the Multimedia Industry, few courses, creative jobs were very traditional and people generally viewed computers in a very different way. I was actually naive enough to believe that if I explained to people the potential of Multimedia as I saw it that they would welcome it with open arms!
I applied to RCA to do an MA even though I really didn't want to study any more - not after UWN. Maybe this was because I still had this hope that there was something better and that UWN was just an aberration? Maybe because I didn't know what to do? Maybe because I felt my BA was worthless and that I needed an MA to feel good about myself again? I just don't know. Suffice to say, that I didn't get accepted and decided that academic study was just another posh exclusive club - with a big sign on the door that read "People like you - Keep Out".

I was still living above an indian restaurant (how ironic) in Newport but I started applying for jobs in graphics, art, media, games etc all over England and Wales and despite a great many applications never got a single interview. I then went to design employment agencies who were only too keen to have me but never actually found me any work! I remember catching a train up to an agency in Birmingham and when I was being 'personally profiled' was asked by my 'personal career liaison' what 'interactive' meant and whether I wouldn't be happier looking at becoming an art therapist. I got book after book from the library about applying, writing CVs - all to no avail.

In the meantime, my head of faculty (the one I'd met the first day I'd gone to see the campus) asked me if I fancied doing a few hours teaching on the BA programme. I'd never really thought about teaching as a career although I'd spent a great deal of time thinking about technology and education. I'd always imagined myself going on to develop education technology and methodology rather than actually teaching. But, hey, it was cash and I had rent to pay.

I started straight off and since many of the second and third year students knew me I was actually very popular and sought after. Despite the resistance from the rest of the faculty the students seemed to share my ideas and demanded that multimedia be an option. I had a sometime ally in the Director of Computing (which actually meant something very different to that which the title refers to now) and I put forward to him some of my ideas. Suddenly I felt like I had found a real opportunity. Here was a barren planet waiting to be terraformed. Here was the world that would shape. The next couple of years were a blur of frenzied activity. I sacrificed everything to build the foundations of what I intended to be a new Multimedia faculty with Mac rooms studios, net access, complete interactive engagement.

I felt like I could actually build something - make a great many of the things that had been rattling around in my head for some time real. I had the autonomy, the respect of my students, the skill and will to do it. I knew that I had critics higher up who saw making videos on a computer or creating interactive electronic sculptures or games as some kind of heresy but I genuinely believed that through sheer persistence I could eventually win even them over. I was only being paid for around 12 hours a week but it had now become a 50+ hour a week job that I threw myself into. There was now a waiting list of weeks for students to see me. It culminated in the student body pushing forward a petition to the College to have me as a full time programme leader for MUltimedia in what became quite a public campaign - none of which I encouraged.

In the end the College opted to put out an ad for the job I was doing and some of my colleagues slapped me on the back and told me how they couldn't wait for me to come fully on board. I applied and got through all stages of the interview. I couldn't believe my luck when I met the other candidates ad they were so hopelessly unsuitable that any minor fears I had were dispelled in seconds - I think my nearest rival was a former formula one pit man!

What happened next shook me to the core. The college turned around and said that no-one was perfect for the job and so they had decided not to appoint anyone! I was bewildered but still too green to figure things out - or maybe in denial.
The job was re-advertised a couple of months later and I applied again - for the job I had created and was already doing. Again, I got through all stages of the interview - leaving me and just one other candidate. I should have known something was wrong when I asked the Principal during my third interview what his hopes were for a possible Multimedia faculty - to which he replied "I really don't care".

A month later, I was called into the Dean's office to speak to the Dean and the Head of Design (who just two years earlier had been a visiting lecturer!). They told me that I hadn't got the job because - get this - "Your CV was an Industry CV and not an academic CV"!!!!!
I don't remember what I felt - I just could not comprehend the situation. They gave the job to a white, middle class, middle aged, bow tie wearing candidate who knew nothing about Multimedia! I was subsequently told that my services were no longer required. The successful candidate was so lacking in any idea about Multimedia that he was given a manual on HYpercard and Director to learn some software and they actually had him working in the admin office as a secretary (on full pay) for months while the fledgling department lay dormant!

The heads of graphics and art came to tell me how they couldn't believe what had happened. During my interview process I had to give a 30 minute presentation on the future on technology, the internet, creativity and education. At the end of mine the lecturers stood and applauded. One programme leader came up to me, shook my hand and told me that he had never heard anything like it (my presentation) in his life, adding "NIce one, its in the bag!".

Something inside me broke.

Since that time I have applied to UWN on no less than 10 occasions - lecturer, senior lecturer, programme leader, head of design - you name it. All unsuccessfully. I even had the indignity of former students of mine beating me to the jobs I applied for only to leave in less than 9 months as they were in way over their heads! In the meantime the organization has struggled to find a replacement for me in over 15 years with a turnover of lecturers in multimedia unparalleled anywhere. About 3 years ago I applied for the once again vacant poison chalice of the lecturer in Multimedia. I got an interview, did well but didn't get the job again! I was told that I didn't have enough HE teaching experience. The successful candidate this time around was another former student of mine (who was taking over from the previous incumbent who was ALSO a former student of mine!!)
who had less HE teaching experience than me! I also found out that this candidate (an internal candidate and part time lecturer) was allegedly at the time under investigation for alleged serious sexual misconduct with a female student!

He was in post for 1 year before being promoted to programme leader, leaving the lecturer job once again vacant. I applied but didn't even get an interview! The successful candidate was less qualified than me and struggled to cope with the job before leaving with 'ill health' in a year!

Last year was the last time I applied - this time for Head of Design (the part time lecturer above who became senior lecturer, then programme leader then acting Head of Design was now Head of Design - and leaving!)

I applied but got no response. I rang them and they said they'd get back to me. The following day I got a letter to say that my application had been rejected because it had been sent after the deadline. I emailed them and stated that I had proof (which I did) that I been well within the deadline. Two days later I got a letter that thanked me for my application but that after due careful consideration of my application it was decided that there were other more suitable candidates!

I wrote and asked them why I hadn't been considered. They wrote back and said that it was because I only had HE teaching experience at 'foundation' level. I wrote back and sated that actually I was teaching on 'their' undergraduate programme and assessing on 'their' BA Hons. They wrote back and told me that it was because I did not have an MA. I write back to them and stated that the previous incumbent did not have an MA either and that not only was thins not an issue for him but that it was a clear indication that an MA was not mandatory! I also asked them if they operated a blacklist. They replied by saying that they could not discuss the suitability of other candidates. I wrote back and asked them again if they operated a blacklist. They wrote back and said that they did not operate a blacklist. They also then incredibly wrote in the same letter that they had an Academic Leader's job at the Uni which was well suited to me and they would welcome an application from me for the post!!!

Why would I apply for a job I already had? (I was academic leader at my current employer at the time - a fact that was in big letters on my application). It was just an attempt to put something in writing to fend off accusations in any possible legal action. they could always just say - "look, we can't possibly be blacklisting him or prejudicing anything. After all here, in black and white we've actually invited to him to apply for a job with us!"

Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I seem to let go? I don't know. I guess that I've always believed that while I might not exactly be einstein I'm pretty smart - yet I cannot find any explanation for any of it. I can't understand why any of it happened and I guess until I do understand then I cannot get closure. It has haunted me for the best part of my adult life. If people are genuinely genuine as all the reflective tools seem hell bent on implying, If organisations are not all bent, If people are not conniving, two faced wretches then there is something that clearly I don't understand.

if on the other hand the above is wrong and people are genuinely evil then I've been royally raped - many times over. So why should I be the one to live my life in shame? Why should I allow them to profit from it? I'm not like some people you read about who can suffer incredible misfortune at the hands of others and still find it in themselves to forgive and move on. I wish I was but I'm not.