How to lose Friends and Alienate People . . .

For me I think the interesting thing is the implication that individuals play a role or in some way contribute or ‘choose’ to function in any given context. I mentioned Goffmantm in my first assignment (a fact that is now troubling me a little . . .) and unless I’m reading it wrong I was struck by the implication that the front constituted a necessary construct within which to engage in social or even introspective interaction while the back somehow represented the ‘reality’. Or light and dark. Or good and evil. Or wave and particle. Or any kind of duality.

I come from a very strict Asiantm Indiantm family (my parents were first gen) who embraced some (stereo?) typical norms and values. Chief among them was the belief that the British Educationtm system was the pinnacle of human achievement and that to gain access to it and excel within it constituted an almost holy representation of self betterment and empowerment. I was subsequently indoctrinatedR with these views.

As a child I learned to inhabit a wide range of constructs including the ‘home’ construct with its normstm and valuestm, the ‘white’ construct with its own norms and values (which BTW were and to a degree still are mutually exclusive to those of the ‘home’ construct) and a myriad internally fabricated constructs which represented my responses to external and internal stimuli (biology, the media, others, experiences, words, pictures, sounds) in an attempt to somehow model a world view within this complex arrangement. (I was once told by a psychiatrist at the Bethlem in London that the reason so many Asians succumbed to schizophrenia was the trauma of ‘existing in two worlds’ ! – go figure).

I yearned to go to UNi, to do my MAtm, to get my Phdtm. Why? Because this was guarantor of success. Because through this the few stood apart . Because it was the ‘right’ thing to do’. Because it would define the individuals who would go on to shape the world. Because . . .

I did well at school – very well. Usually though with the same pattern. I would be totally lost initially before going on to excel at everything (except curiously PE – go figure). I got my O’s and then started my A’s but I had already by 13 started becoming uneasy about the world I lived in. I think I always knew from early childhood that something was very wrong but in the best of traditions I lived in denial and chose to believe that if I worked hard and just carried on being uniquely brilliant (!) then the world would be my oyster (You won’t believe how often I’ve heard that!). For someone struggling for a sense of self worth (I felt hemmed in - my family controlled EVERY aspect of day to day existence and claimed mastery over my future, I felt apart -it was the era o skin heads and paki bashingtm, I looked apart – we were a very poor family – back when we had a more absolute definition of being poor), being good at school, the new found control, the respect, the way people looked at you, it was all intoxicating.

I believed wholeheartedly back then in a TD (Copyright – everyone who has ever had a vested interest in screwing the little guy) view. (that did not last tho!) Computers would revolutionise the world – I wanted in. I also wanted to be creative. I had dreams about technology that I couldn’t describe and I wanted to make them real. However I opted to go for a Business ITtm BSc . Why? Because it would allow me to work in ‘computing’ while keeping a sheen of legitimacy in the eyes of my family and thus I could continue to straddle both worlds.

I fell ill tho and missed application. Despite my teachers fears I got my As (Just) and for the first time in my life I found myself in limbo with an enormous sense of shame and self loathing at failing to be in the hallowed land of Uni. My arttm teacher suggested I did a foundation art course rather than go on the dole for a year.

I did

I found it to be a welcome and invigorating period. In fact it sparked a creative and productive part of my life that I’ve only managed to reproduce once since. I painted, sculpted, photographed, filmed, composed, wrote, constructed, performed, researched. All I needed was technology.

I applied to UWN to do Fine Arttm. Not because I wanted to do fine art but I need a space where I could explore computer technology, video, sound, image without any limits and fine art seemed like somewhere I could possibly fit in – after all, that’s what the weirdo’s do right?

Why UWN? Because I visited several and they were the only ones who had any computers (4 Mac 28ks) and a TV studio (Ah, U-Matic tape). As soon as I got off the bus I bumped into the Faculty Head (an old style visionary) who grabbed me and spent the afternoon waxing lyrical about the plans for the new building – I was sold.

My interviewtm 4 months later was bizarre. I was in a room with a large boardroom table and every member of the faculty sat on one side (I kid you not, it started with 14 of them and within an hour they kept popping out to get more staff members to hear me talk – it ended with 27 of them facing me across the boardroom table in 3 rows!) with me on the other. Get this, they even employed the old ‘sit in front of the window with the interviewee on a lower seat’ routine!!!

I had an arrogant swagger about me not helped by the fact that I had the coolest (and cheapest – although they didn’t know that) suit in the room. As far as I was concerned, I was brilliant and an unstoppable force. I hadn’t even bothered to apply anywhere else – after all who in their right mind would turn me down? GodR knows what would have happened to me had they said No!!!!! The interview took 4 hours after which they offered me a place and I finally felt like my life was beginning – I was there.

I genuinely in my naivety had this idea that I would be surrounded by like minded individuals eager to drown in knowledge and guided by brilliant tutors who would open mu mind to things I hadn’t even dreamed of (and I can have some astonishing dreams).

The reality was different.

I have had some truly horrific things occur in my life (and I do not exaggerate here) but I can honestly say that my time at UWN was the most awful, soul destroyingtm, harrowing, impoverishing experience in my entire life. It also defined the path of my life since.

I was smarter than my teachers. I was smarter than my peers. Worse still everyone seemed ok with that. I actually gave more tutoring to my fellow students (requested by them) than the entire teaching team did combined. The staff seemed to care more for their own research and see students as mere nuisances. The institution was just a faceless corporation and ‘education’ now meant conforming to one world view. I had my first head on experience of a type of humantm that I had never encountered before – the ‘manager’, the ‘consultant’, the ‘accountant’. The ultimate soldiers of the laws of suppression of radical potential. (Go, team Winston)

In the first year, I just did what I thought they wanted. I was desolate. The world I had glimpsed as a child was coming to pass and God I hated ittm. I rang my dad for the only time in my life and asked permissiontm to quit. He told me that in life you cannot walk away and must always finish what you start – an idea that has haunted me ever since. So I stayed. By year 2 I had decided to give everyone the finger and do what I wanted and dared them to challenge me. I started to play with the Mac and HyperCard became my right arm. Technology with absolutely no limits. I was asked to leave many times but finally got a 1st. It was just so surreal at times. I once programmed a Mac to appear to talk. My head of year came into the room once and stepped on the sensor that triggered my toy and the Mac started to greet him. He then stooped down and began to have a chat with it! (I had built it to express general statements that could give the illusion of intelligent* communication and response).

For my Final project I was assessed by a team of 8 people over a period of a day. When they got to me they entered my room and I stood out in the corridor with a ciggie watching them. To the left was the Mac II with my work. To the right was some old computer junk that hadn’t been binned yet. They all started to inspect the junk and began critiquing old boxes of power supplies, a broken oscilloscope and two keyboards – I kid you not!!! I walked in, pointed to the far corner of the room and said “Ladies and gents, my work happens to be over there – the screen with the animation running that took me 4 months to perfect”

It was clear. Undesirables had to be suppressed (love 30, Winston). Our spirit had to be crushed. And to keep up the ‘front’ of a system that claims to empower anyone if they want it they allow a few of us each year to come out with a good but ultimately meaningless grade.

I think all the students went to the pub that night to celebrate completing their degree. I remember just staying home and staring out of the window until the sun came up. I just held onto the edge of my rickety chair and spent hours trying to dampen the urge to run into the street and shake anyone and everyone I could find while screaming “Wake UP!, Wake UP!”

Being so adrift I had no option but to give it one more go so I applied for an MA at the RCA. They turned me down after informing me that they did not receive my demo CD which contained a virtual house you could interact with and therefore could not accept my application. (Curiously two years later, the RCA got a 250k euro grant to produce multimedia work. Their submission consisted of a house that you could interact with which funnily enough had the same layout as mine, the same rooms as mine, and even some of the same furniture as the one in my allegedly missing demo – go figure).

So, here I was, a Graduate without a Cause.

Tune in tomorrow children for episode 2 ; a tale of shocks, betrayal and misery. With a guest appearance by the Fonz.

* may or may not actually exist. Terms and Conditions Apply. Always seek medical advice.